The Fight of Heart and Mind

There was a time when I used to think that life was a mistake of nature, that we are just an amusement for nature. It was as if our life on earth had no meaning, because all I could see was a person being born, living a life - hard at work - so that he can live, and there by forgetting to live, and in the end die and leave everything behind. It made me wonder why we live, if in the end we are supposed to die. It looked as if we were running an endless race where the only way out was to die. Sure, I had made up my own explanation about the purpose of life, which I am not about to narrate, since I know for a fact that people get really bored with that theory of mine.

Unfortunately for me, my whole world is redefining itself. When I started working, I believed that I worked because I wanted to earn money to enjoy my life the way I wanted. That included books, travelling on my bike, computer parts, etc. It was never food, clothes, pubs and clubs. I wanted to read the rest of my life away so that I was living life on my own terms. I didn’t want life or society to dictate my life. I cant say I failed in that, because my appraisals always said that I didn’t talk much, how could I when I was either buried in a book or browsing through countless sites when not working. From the point of view of managers, I was a resource going to waste, but from a psychologist’s point of view, I was enjoying my life. Life was good, even if it meant a bit of depression and deep thoughts about my purpose in life.

Sometime during the last year, I went over the edge. I stopped thinking about life, purpose and aims. I always used to enjoy the work, but recently I found that enjoying work had a completely new meaning. It was not just about being good at what you do, but doing things that you would do, even if you weren’t paid for it. For me it was fiddling with computers. I started enjoying it so much that I didn’t realize that my life was changing. Not until I found out, unofficially, that I have been chosen as the best performer for the month; out of thousand odd people. To be frank it felt good to be recognized, but at the same time, I realized that a few months back I would not have been so thrilled about it, because to be chosen as the best performer, you have to put in more than what is expected out of you. A few months back, I would have cut down on the workload and would have taken it easy, but now, I don’t feel as if I am being exploited. I don’t feel like I am a dog getting its treat after begging for it.

I always thought that I lived my life with my brain more than with my heart. Is my heart finally taking over my mind? Is this post the result of my brain trying to fight back? It would be easier for me if I let my heart lead me through life, and much more enjoyable, but there is that part of me that is not willing to ignore warnings from my mind.